adding insult to injury

Things I learned or saw in small town Wisconsin

Here is a list of things I saw or learned. It’s my belief that these things do not and cannot happen anywhere else on earth. (most of this will make little sense unless you were there)

  • When you cant quite afford your own tractor pull at the town fair, have a Lawn Tractor pull instead – venue of choice is obviously a school playground.
  • “Get ‘er Done” is the lawn mower motivational phrase of choice.
  • “Carnies” and “locals” are indistinguishable.
  • Backdoor sings Karaoke.
  • Apparently in Wisconsin, V’s liver is rendered useless.
  • His stomach however, kicks into puke producing overdrive.
  • A toilet bowl can cause sleep lines on one’s forehead (see V’s useless liver)
  • A live band on the infield of an elementary baseball diamond will attract exactly two carnies, who will slow dance on the pitchers mound. Alone. And, they will be in fact the only two people dancing at the entire fair.
  • A 40+ year old woman saying “I’ve got my nunchucks in my car to kick the crap out of them 2 ugly beeotches over there. They owe me money!” will in fact do so.
  • She will do so in fact without even using her nunchucks, and will be a vision of Jackie Chan – beating them, and some random dude, all down with crazy moves.
  • There was one thing that was normal that night, V picked a fight. Fortunately it was with friend(s) of Ogre’s and the situation was easily diffused. (that one is also true outside of WI)
  • Shopping carts are huge. (there was a gigantic shopping cart with a V-8 engine parked at the local grocery store)
  • Stopping in the middle of an intersection to aim your headlights at four deer in a yard in the middle of town (though on a side street) will draw the attention of “all available units”.
  • Officers in said units will not be impressed by the fact that there were four deer in the yard – they view this as common place.
  • In WI, “Shhhhhh. Let the Designated Driver do the talking” is translated as “Everyone tell your own version of why were pulled over with as much enthusiasm and as loud and as you possibly can! Now!”.
  • If the officer says “I detect alcohol”. In unison everyone who is not driving shout, “Yeah, that’s me!”
  • Name dropping Ogre’s full name and mentioning that you are related doesn’t help the situation at all — fortunately, having an obviously pregnant and very nice sober driver, blowing .000 on the breathalyzer does.