Milk Wagons Revealed

So Ogre got married this weekend – god save Jackie. But, since I neglected to post about his bachelor party, I’ll post about that first.

Last Saturday was the day. We started the day off with a little paint-ball in Big Lake. None of our group had really played before so there was a bit of a learning curve. There was another bachelor party there as well, so they became our Taliban. Unfortunate for us, they were short two guys, so the owner of the paint-ball place and his special forces friend joined their team. Their guns were worth thousands of dollars, shot up to 24 rounds per second (ours shot about 2), and had electronics all over them to help out – pretty sure they had built in radar and laser sites, but this was unconfirmed. To top it off, they knew the junkyard that we were playing in. But we were not without our advantages, Ogre was our secret weapon because his peak physical condition allowed numerous paint balls to bounce off his belly without breaking.

Toward the end of the day, well after I realized that good thing I wasn’t sent to Iraq because I would survive no more than 12 minutes, we had what they call a bachelor hunt. Ogre, the other bachelor, and the two best men were sent off to hide, and the rest of us got to hunt them down. 13 on 4 but the rules this time were a little different. The bachelors are out, only when they can’t take any more pain rather than one measly single hit. The ref said, you have 4 minutes, go hide and we’ll come hunt you down. After about a minute, the ref told us, “they’ve had long enough, they went down two rows and to the left, go paint those suckers”. It didn’t take long before Ogre was kicking and screaming face down, covered in paint. It was satisfying to be sure, but his beating was not yet over for the night, we still had to go to Shug’s, but I’ll get to that later.

Once we were all out of ammo, we headed to my place to order some Gary’s, and hose off the paint. After we devoured the Gary’s Specials, we started to make a descent dent in the contents of my garage fridge. When we were all primed and no-longer covered in paint, we were ready to pick up the father in law and head downtown. Typical bachelor like embarrassment ensured, but nothing really worth mentioning. After our fill of booze, we left the bars and went to the house of ill repute.

We all chipped in to get Ogre beat and embarrassed. While he was on stage, in makeup and a wig, the ladies took his shirt off and the MC chimed in with “whhhoaaaaa buddy, I think you’ve got most of the ladies in here beat with those man boobs.” Priceless.

The next day I was way too sore from the paint-ball. Apparently being a stealthy paint-ball ninja requires muscles that I never use.