adding insult to injury

I’m the Punk Master

My roommate, who will be referred to as The Sucker from here on, has been waiting for weeks now to hear if he’s been accepted to his desired Mursing program. It’s been all The Sucker could talk about for about 3 weeks. Last night I asked The Sucker what college he was waiting to hear from, and he gladly replied. I had all the info I needed to mock up a fake rejection letter from the school. A few minutes of gleaning images from the collegiate website and another few minutes in QuarkXPress and I had a letterhead and envelope, complete with shipping barcode and fake postage paid indicia. A little help from a color laser printer and my plan was complete.

I went home at lunch, payload in hand, and timed it perfectly. The mail carrier had just made the delivery, and The Sucker wasn’t home. I gathered up the mail, and mixed in my mock rejection letter. I put the mail on the counter, trap set, ate my lunch and patiently waited for his arrival. Now let me set the scene here a little bit. He applied last year, but due to his clerical error, he applied to the wrong program and was thusly shuffed to the waiting list. Nearly daily he’s asked me if anything has come in the mail. He gave specific instructions to call him if a package from the college arrives, but not if a letter arrives — letter meaning rejection letter (apparently he’s gotten them before). Couple this with the fact that The Sucker’s cousin called this morning and told him that he [cousin] didn’t get in to a different college that he applied for. So getting rejected was on his mind.

In The Sucker walks, and what’s the first thing out of his mouth, “did you get the mail”. Yep I said, bustin’ out my best texas hold ’em poker face. “Anything good?” he asked, referring to the letter in question. I was trying my best, and could only manage to shrug my shoulders, anything else and I would have laughed.

He proceeded to shuffle through the mail, when he saw the letter (not a packet of stuff) he lets out a big “aaawwwww nooooo”. He then opened the letter, suspecting nothing, and began to read it. Many more “ohhhh noooo’s” followed and few f-bombs. Now in the end of the letter I start making jokes, and put a “P.S. at least you applied to the right program” in there. The signature was “Nice Try A-Wad”. Unfortunately for him, fortunate for me, he didn’t read the entire letter. Devastated and possibly on the verge of tears, he was about to call his mom when I interrupted him:

Me: Did you read the whole thing?
The Sucker: Yes. *look of, why the hell you asking me that*
Me: What about the P.S. at the end?
The Sucker: *Confused, looks at the letter again, then back at me, then back at the letter. You can see the wheels turning, but he still wasn’t sure. He was wondering to himself how I read the letter*
Me: What about the Signature… A-Wad?
The Sucker: *Turning red – he then he knew for sure.

I was the punk master on April Fools day.

Update: 4/15/04 He didn’t get in – which makes me feel a bit guilty, but my rejection letter was strikingly similar to the real thing!