adding insult to injury

Category: Stupid People (page 1 of 1)

Local police hunt for armed man

“Authorities are warning St. Cloud residents that a man who fled officers Monday should be considered armed and dangerous.” Reports the central Minnesota paper The St. Cloud Times.

After 18 hours of searching the St. Augusta area (about a quarter mile from where I work) police have yet to find him. And no wonder! The man is described as a 26 year old wearing a cutoff dark-colored T-shirt and blue jeans. Looking for an armed young man in a cutoff in central Minnesota is like looking for needle in a stack of needles!

Chestnut Removal $50

My truck wouldn’t start very well today. I had to about floor it to keep it running. I replaced the fuel flow regulator about a year ago and the symptoms were identical. I limped into the shop where they informed me that it was probably either the fuel flow regulator, $250, or the fuel pump, $600. Forty-five minutes later, it turns out a pile of chestnuts (mechanic deduced they were walnuts) were packed in my engine compartment.

If you’ve ever been charged more than $55 for nut removal, you got ripped off.

Things I learned or saw in small town Wisconsin

Here is a list of things I saw or learned. It’s my belief that these things do not and cannot happen anywhere else on earth. (most of this will make little sense unless you were there)

  • When you cant quite afford your own tractor pull at the town fair, have a Lawn Tractor pull instead – venue of choice is obviously a school playground.
  • “Get ‘er Done” is the lawn mower motivational phrase of choice.
  • “Carnies” and “locals” are indistinguishable.
  • Backdoor sings Karaoke.
  • Apparently in Wisconsin, V’s liver is rendered useless.
  • His stomach however, kicks into puke producing overdrive.
  • A toilet bowl can cause sleep lines on one’s forehead (see V’s useless liver)
  • A live band on the infield of an elementary baseball diamond will attract exactly two carnies, who will slow dance on the pitchers mound. Alone. And, they will be in fact the only two people dancing at the entire fair.
  • A 40+ year old woman saying “I’ve got my nunchucks in my car to kick the crap out of them 2 ugly beeotches over there. They owe me money!” will in fact do so.
  • She will do so in fact without even using her nunchucks, and will be a vision of Jackie Chan – beating them, and some random dude, all down with crazy moves.
  • There was one thing that was normal that night, V picked a fight. Fortunately it was with friend(s) of Ogre’s and the situation was easily diffused. (that one is also true outside of WI)
  • Shopping carts are huge. (there was a gigantic shopping cart with a V-8 engine parked at the local grocery store)
  • Stopping in the middle of an intersection to aim your headlights at four deer in a yard in the middle of town (though on a side street) will draw the attention of “all available units”.
  • Officers in said units will not be impressed by the fact that there were four deer in the yard – they view this as common place.
  • In WI, “Shhhhhh. Let the Designated Driver do the talking” is translated as “Everyone tell your own version of why were pulled over with as much enthusiasm and as loud and as you possibly can! Now!”.
  • If the officer says “I detect alcohol”. In unison everyone who is not driving shout, “Yeah, that’s me!”
  • Name dropping Ogre’s full name and mentioning that you are related doesn’t help the situation at all — fortunately, having an obviously pregnant and very nice sober driver, blowing .000 on the breathalyzer does.

Gone in 300 Seconds

I was all set to go to work this morning, and proceeded to go out into the garage and warm up my truck. In the meantime I decided to shovel the end of the driveway where the plow truck went through. No big deal. Shoveling’s done, lets hop in the truck and go.

Hmm, truck’s running. Doors, locked.

No problem, I have a spare key in my laptop bag, which I’m of course never without… until now. The bag is in the truck. The truck is still running, doors… still locked.

I then began brushing up my four letter word vocabulary and went inside. I tried to convince myself that maybe I took my spare set out, but I knew better. Both sets of keys are definitely locked inside.

So I reached for the phone book to contact a locksmith, but stopped right there. The door on the truck didn’t shut all the way, let me see if I can break into this mother I thought. So I went and got the thickest coat hanger I could and went outside.

I was able to fit the coat hanger through the crack in the door and down to the power door lock button. In just under 5 minutes I was in and on my way to work.

This proves I’m a hazard to myself and most likely others before my Mountain Dew breakfast.

Do It Right the First Time

I upgraded the sorely inadequate deck in my pickup the other day and was proud it only took about an hour. It would have taken less time, but I used the old wiring harness from my car and had to figure out guess which wire went where. Surprisingly, when I hooked it up, without disconnecting the battery, everything worked flawlessly.

Overconfidence is a bad thing. I was so sure in my wiring abilities that the following night I thought I’d tempt fate again, and wire the amplifier with a hot battery as well.

I was performing the seemingly simple task of running the positive wire through the firewall to the battery. I decided I’d force my wire through an existing grommet, but it was a tight fit and required some coaxing. I took out a screwdriver and started to pry a little bit against the bundle of about 4 jillion wires – just enough to nic a wire and blow the fuse for the dome light.

No big deal, I’ll just replace the fuse – besides it’s only the dome light. Hmmm, all the fuses are good. Maybe I tripped something in the security? I thought. That’s about the time I noticed the large 2″ by 2″ security light that normally flashes in my dash, as steady menacing yellow “hey you’re trying to steal this car” warning. Test the keyless entry, nothing. Shit. Test the drivers door lock. Dammit. Try and start it, oh f’ing mother of … what did I do.

Now what.

Check the manual – in the event that the security feature is tripped you must take it to a Chevrolet Dealer.

Yeah, a tow, a computer reset, and two relays later – I’m back on the road.

Once I got the truck home from the shop I disconnected the battery and wired it in about 15 minutes. Do it right the first time or don’t do it at all.

Disturbing Comment

A while back I posted about as a joke. Well apparently this chump in India thinks that I can get them a job in the porn industry – I have connections, but I don’t have those kind of connections. Here’s the comment:

Dear sir / Madam,
As Vivid is one of the largest Porn Flim mackers in the world i am very much facinated with these company , i am from india my name is Sunny i am 27 years old and i am very much interested in doing porn Movies for your company so if you have any plan to do any movies in India or outside india please let me know if you want a indian boy . I can produce my Photo if required.. Plaese let me know as soon as possible about your terms and condition .
sunny x

It’s all your fault, I think.

When you are in a professional setting and are in a mood to send email’s that point fingers, complain, rant, or is more or less counter productive, it would be wise to send that message to as few people as possible.

Why? Because four out of five times you are going to embarrass yourself. It’s likely that you are either wrong, un-informed, it’s over your head, or you are completely at fault for the issue in the rant.

Save yourself the embarrassment and ask someone in the know before you play the blame game.

More of the same

Today was the same as yesterday except today I had to do all the flying around with a big gaping leg-wound. Now, tonight I’m going to go play beach volleyball and see if I can jam some more dirt in there.

Update: Well, I soaked it and rubbed it enough to get all the dirt out, finally. Tomorrow, I’m going to take pictures of my hangnails and possibly go into terrible detail about papercuts.

Speaking of crap

2:20 PM: Using pen to scrape nasty substance off of work desk.

3:00 PM – 4:15 PM: Chew on pen throughout dry conference-call.

4:16 PM: Realize pen in mouth is same pen used to scrape said nasty substance – gag.

4:16:01 PM: Insert Listerine Pocket Pak in mouth whilst hoping I didn’t swallow in the past hour and a half.

4:16:05 PM: Bolt to break room to get a Mountain Dew.

4:19 PM: Pretend I’m tougher than germs and try not to think about what the hell I just ate.

4:20 PM: Heh.

What is an Mp3

The unthinkable has happened. Someone asked me today how to spell empeethree – even worse, their follow up question was, “what are they anyway?” Only after I stopped laughing and turned down her eight track tape player did I really start to make fun.