After 18 hours of searching the St. Augusta area (about a quarter mile from where I work) police have yet to find him. And no wonder! The man is described as a 26 year old wearing a cutoff dark-colored T-shirt and blue jeans. Looking for an armed young man in a cutoff in central Minnesota is like looking for needle in a stack of needles!

If you’ve ever been charged more than $55 for nut removal, you got ripped off.

• When you cant quite afford your own tractor pull at the town fair, have a Lawn Tractor pull instead – venue of choice is obviously a school playground.
• “Get ‘er Done” is the lawn mower motivational phrase of choice.
• “Carnies” and “locals” are indistinguishable.
• Backdoor sings Karaoke.
• Apparently in Wisconsin, V’s liver is rendered useless.
• His stomach however, kicks into puke producing overdrive.
• A toilet bowl can cause sleep lines on one’s forehead (see V’s useless liver)
• A live band on the infield of an elementary baseball diamond will attract exactly two carnies, who will slow dance on the pitchers mound. Alone. And, they will be in fact the only two people dancing at the entire fair.
• A 40+ year old woman saying “I’ve got my nunchucks in my car to kick the crap out of them 2 ugly beeotches over there. They owe me money!” will in fact do so.
• She will do so in fact without even using her nunchucks, and will be a vision of Jackie Chan – beating them, and some random dude, all down with crazy moves.
• There was one thing that was normal that night, V picked a fight. Fortunately it was with friend(s) of Ogre’s and the situation was easily diffused. (that one is also true outside of WI)
• Shopping carts are huge. (there was a gigantic shopping cart with a V-8 engine parked at the local grocery store)
• Stopping in the middle of an intersection to aim your headlights at four deer in a yard in the middle of town (though on a side street) will draw the attention of “all available units”.
• Officers in said units will not be impressed by the fact that there were four deer in the yard – they view this as common place.
• In WI, “Shhhhhh. Let the Designated Driver do the talking” is translated as “Everyone tell your own version of why were pulled over with as much enthusiasm and as loud and as you possibly can! Now!”.
• If the officer says “I detect alcohol”. In unison everyone who is not driving shout, “Yeah, that’s me!”
• Name dropping Ogre’s full name and mentioning that you are related doesn’t help the situation at all — fortunately, having an obviously pregnant and very nice sober driver, blowing .000 on the breathalyzer does.

Hmm, truck’s running. Doors, locked.

No problem, I have a spare key in my laptop bag, which I’m of course never without… until now. The bag is in the truck. The truck is still running, doors… still locked.

I then began brushing up my four letter word vocabulary and went inside. I tried to convince myself that maybe I took my spare set out, but I knew better. Both sets of keys are definitely locked inside.

So I reached for the phone book to contact a locksmith, but stopped right there. The door on the truck didn’t shut all the way, let me see if I can break into this mother I thought. So I went and got the thickest coat hanger I could and went outside.

I was able to fit the coat hanger through the crack in the door and down to the power door lock button. In just under 5 minutes I was in and on my way to work.

This proves I’m a hazard to myself and most likely others before my Mountain Dew breakfast.

Overconfidence is a bad thing. I was so sure in my wiring abilities that the following night I thought I’d tempt fate again, and wire the amplifier with a hot battery as well.

I was performing the seemingly simple task of running the positive wire through the firewall to the battery. I decided I’d force my wire through an existing grommet, but it was a tight fit and required some coaxing. I took out a screwdriver and started to pry a little bit against the bundle of about 4 jillion wires – just enough to nic a wire and blow the fuse for the dome light.

No big deal, I’ll just replace the fuse – besides it’s only the dome light. Hmmm, all the fuses are good. Maybe I tripped something in the security? I thought. That’s about the time I noticed the large 2″ by 2″ security light that normally flashes in my dash, as steady menacing yellow “hey you’re trying to steal this car” warning. Test the keyless entry, nothing. Shit. Test the drivers door lock. Dammit. Try and start it, oh f’ing mother of … what did I do.

Now what.

Check the manual – in the event that the security feature is tripped you must take it to a Chevrolet Dealer.

Yeah, a tow, a computer reset, and two relays later – I’m back on the road.

Once I got the truck home from the shop I disconnected the battery and wired it in about 15 minutes. Do it right the first time or don’t do it at all.

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Why? Because four out of five times you are going to embarrass yourself. It’s likely that you are either wrong, un-informed, it’s over your head, or you are completely at fault for the issue in the rant.

Save yourself the embarrassment and ask someone in the know before you play the blame game.

A guy that legally changed his name to Jack Ass is suing MTV for 10 million dollars. Apparently the show is ruining his reputation.